'Part-Time' Parent?

I always wanted to be a mother, and even more I wanted to be a young mother.  I am not talking '16 and Pregnant' young, but early 20's young.  Therefore, when I found out I was pregnant at 21, I felt ready.  I was unwed, and it was unexpected, but I embraced the shocking news.  I loved everything about being pregnant, and embarked on motherhood with every ounce of my soul from the moment I knew there was an angel growing within me.  Shortly after my son turned one his father and I split and my idea of motherhood was morphed and altered.  I was fortunate to have custody amicably determined, and it was finalized with a 48 hour rotating schedule.  It is unconventional, and often misunderstood by outsiders, but it was what we determined to be most beneficial for Gentry.  That schedule has been in place for a little over a year and I now feel ready to post this blog to reflect on where I am at today as a joint custody parent. 

As I write this I find myself grasping for the words to explain how this feels, and what it means for me as a mother, wife and young woman.  I have struggled with my role as a mother for the last year because I do not know how to be a joint custody parent.  I dreamed of being a mother, but I now feel like a 'part time' mother.  When we (my new husband and myself) have Gentry we spend each moment nurturing him and consuming all that he has to offer.  The smallest tasks are monumental and we cling to each smile, touch, and teachable opportunity.  When he leaves after two days I am left feeling confused and lost.  The first day I try to adjust to life without him, the second day I yearn for his presence, and leading into the third day (when we will have him once again) I count down the moments wondering if things will pick up where they left off. 

At times I question the arrangement, but after continous consideration I know that it is what has worked best for Gentry.  I always promise myself that I will continue to question things so that any necessary adjustments will be made the second they are needed. 

These are things I never considered when I saw two pink lines and realized I was a mother to be.  Now I ponder them every single day.

These are uncharted waters, and each day brings a new challenge.  The questions from new friends and strangers are often paralyzing, as I navigate my new world and try to figure out how to answer things such as 'what brought you to Illinois', or 'why don't you move back to California'.  Then they're are the questions about my new marriage and husband, that inevitably bring questions about Gentry, custody, etc.  I have, and most likely always will be a fairly open book.  I am very trusting and do not mind being asked questions, but I can't even answer some of them within my own mind, let alone to new people within my life. 

So, what does all of this mean?  After a year and a half of asking myself this, these are some of the things I know:

Gentry is happy
Gentry is a year advanced developmentally
I am, and always will be Gentry's mother
I will never have all the answers, but I will never stop asking

Although I struggle with joint custody, the unknown within life has always exhilerated and intrigued me.  I know that with the unknown lies the opportunity to thrive and succeed.  Therefore I know that this challenge presents me with the chance to be the mother I never knew I could be.